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The Day Theuri Almost Wanjirud By Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

If you have problem with your marriage, be careful who you ask to help solve it. And worse still, if you are climbing people or getting climbed out, be careful who you ask to shield you. You will learn from this incident about Theuri and his one time good friend and business partner. Theuri never talks about his because he saw fire with his own eyes and escaped being a resident of city mortuary by the grace of God.

Back in the days, just after Theuri finished reading in university, he start business, just like me. He partnered with one man called Tulaga. Tulaga is nickname because he come from Kinangop where tulaga is the only means of transport from Nairobi. Tulaga was and is still a master climber of people. There is no woman that he can point and fail to climb. Climbing people is like a prescription to him. Every weekend, he must climb somebody.

In the business they put together, sometimes they used to travel out of town, so even whenever he wanted to climb people of out, he would lie to his PM that he has traveled out of town.

One day, as they drink beer, Tulaga see a person of out and say he must climb. Tulaga is not like me who climb a person one joti and feel satisfied. He climbs and climbs until tomorrow. He neither takes enhancement drugs like what i do at times when i am beaten. You know there are some enhancement like Kamagra you take and you eat and eat until she get dry. But some of them are bulshit, like Enzoy. Besides tasting like urine, it did not make me stand for many times like i thought.

The person was a pupil in one of the college and she stay in one of the hostel in Ngara. After Tulaga see he must climb, he call Theuri for meeting. He tell Theuri to take Tulaga’s car (Theuri had not boughted car then) and go with it home and in the morning, he come pick him so that he lie to the PM that they were together for business. He then called the PM and say “Ithuri tutigitukiriirwo naguko Mtito Andei. Na niundu wa marori uria macinaga mundu utuku ri, tuona tukome guku” (We have been nighted here at Mtito Andei. And because of the way trrucks burn people at night with lights, we have decided to sleep here)

Tomorrow of that day, Theuri come and pick him from lodging and they go to Tulaga’s house. When Tulaga’s PM see Theuri and Tulaga together, she believe that indeed, they were out of town. Infact when they go home, they pass to Marigiti and buy Potatoes and cabbages so that they lie they boughted in upcountry as they come.

Theuri is another person. He will never see a ‘loophole’ and fail to take advantage. Be it business, or holes of people of out. He is just but bad news. One day, Tulaga as usual call theuri and tell him ” Eh munene, oya ngari ukangira kiroko room ta kawaida” (Eh boss, take car and pick me in morning like usual)

Because they were used to talk and beat jokes with the PM also, he called the PM after he leave Tulaga ” Kweruo atia nyina wa tuana turi mwiri?” (How are you mother of people in body)

She said she is ok and theuri continued “urugite ki njuke ndie ” (what have you cooked i come eat. She say, although in jokes that Theuri was invited. Theuri beat car fire until Tulagas house. When the PM see Tulagas car, she ask where is Tulaga and Theuri tell her to relax. Thinking she will be told that Tulaga has been killed by gangsters, Theuri tell the PM,

“Tiganana na muthee. ndatiga akigagurwo ni tuiretu twa cukuru town. Nie arume ndioi uria mendaga tondu ri, kairetu gathaka tawe, yello yello na no kumanga manga” (Leave mzee alone. I have left him being served by college girls in town. Me i dont know what men want because, a good woman like you, yellow yellow and yet he is still loitering around) Wife refuse to believe and think theuri is joking. Theuri tell her if you want to confirm, he will call him. Theuri call Tulaga and put speakerphone on and say

“Mutongoria, kamundu uhihinyite tushoti tuigana riu?” (leader, how many shots have you squeezed so far? ). Tulaga returns

” Reke nguire, ino ni engine njeru. Gaka ona ninie ndatumura. ona condom itigithirire” (Let me tell you. This is new engine. this one i am the one that open. Even makobosto is finished). Then continued ” ndu kahorie thimu, ndaingiria nguhurire wiigue uria karakaya wega wega ngithugua” (dont switch phone off. when i insert, i will call you you listen how she cry good when i am climbing).

Wife cries and Theuri tell her not to cry. He tell her the best thing is to repay through same same. He tell her she should also get climbed too. Theuri borrowed and that day, he climb Tulagas pm good good until tomorrow. When tomorrow morning comes, Theuri rushed to pick Tulaga so that they appear together to the PM and say that they were together in other towns for business.

He went and picked Tulaga and they pass at Marigiti to buy things as they were used to. They went home and tulaga greets wife in hug and then say “reke nguire. Thabari iyo ndirari nene. Mutito tuauma 7, na ni wona thaa ici tui guku. Andu a Mtutito makugeithia muno” (Let me tell you. That journey is big. Mtito we leave at 7 and we are here at this time. People of Mtito said hi, then *wink* wink*). The PM just look at him, not angry and not happy because she was also guilty.

Tomorrow of that week, same thing, and in morning, Theuri would go and pick him and they go to the house. Then, as usual, Tulaga would start:

“reke nguire nyina wa uria, turari nyaikuru na Theuri na mbiacara ni njega. ona ndina waru hau buti thie urite. (Let me tell you mother of nanii, we were in Nakuru and business is good. I even bought potatoes for you. Remove from boot.)

Wife would just look and say ‘ooh. nithengio.’ (ook thanks). But in her heart she know that he was from climbing people and she too has been climbed proper by Theuri. The process continued for many many months until one fateful day.

One day, Tulaga call a person of out from i cant remember where. They drink and drink and as usual, Theuri drops them in Tulaga’s car in one of the rooms in ngara. When they reach room, the lady start raining. Her month come two day before its time, according to her. Since Tulaga could not sleep with a person of out and not eat her, he decided to call Theuri to drop him home. Tulaga say he cannot eat a person with month because it will attract bad luck to him. Although he had lied to the PM that they are in Nakuru, he say he will tell the PM that they have decided to come by dark, even if Buses heading to western burn them badly with lights.

When Tulaga call Theuri, he hear the phone is mteja. Because of the way his tree was standing, he say he will take taxi to his house and eat the PM with the image of that girl that he lefted in room because she had month. When he reach gate, he see his car and fail to know how it come here. The car was supposed to be with Theuri. When he knock house, wife come down to open. According to her, there was no chance in hell for her husband to come home. The process had happened for many months and there was no chance of backfire. She had come down to open even without alerting Theuri who was fast asleep after eating a person of other. She was so confused at that time.

She opened and when she see it is her husband, she fail to know what to do. Tulaga there there suspected and ask who came with car. She stammers when aswering but Tulaga hear Theuri’s name. Tulaga rushed in speed to his bedroom upstairs where he found Theuri fast asleep snoring. When he removed bedsheets, he see Theuri butt naked. He punched Theuri so hard on face until he remove blood by nose. Theuri wake up fast, still not feeling pain and when he look and see Tulaga, he thinks he is dreaming.

Theuri jumped from bed and begged Tulaga. Tulaga then run down downstairs to kitchen and pick knife. Theuri look at window and wanted to wanjiru but he see distance too big. He see he might fall by head and die if he jump, so he change mind. Because he know trouble might come, he close the bedroom door and remain inside saying his last prayers, just incase Tulaga burn the house. When wife see Tulaga with a knife, she run out and say alot of mbu that attracted the whole of neighborhood. All people of neighbor come and plead with Tulaga.

After many people come, and it was past 3 AM, the wife tell neighbors that she was hitting back because Tulaga eat people. He tell them, date by date, even time, when and who he eat. All neighbor hold their mouth in shock but advise her that that was a wrong way of hitting back.

Theuri after seeing many people had opened door and come out to plead and say sorry to all people that he had caused pain, although no one listens to him. Tulaga enter house, picked some clothes, then telled theuri he has given him that woman. He was fuming with fire.

The PM turned to Theuri and tell him he set her up. How true that was i dont know, but everytime, Theuri used to tell Tulaga “Nairofi gutiri kuauma mutumia” (Nairobi has never removed woman. I guess he say that because the wife of Tulaga was a born city.

Their businessmen relation ended there there. The man went and married another woman, although later, they reconcile. He has two wifes as we are talking, and still climb babies of college. He say anything above 21 is too old for him. Their relation with Theuri has never been as it was before. Because they are all my friends, when i go to Theuri, he tell me

“Tulaga no araia tuana. Ni mundu mukigu muno. Ndari hakiri. Handu arie andu mature, mundu ungiguitira mbiacara, ni tuana ariaga. No mbeca tumuriaga” (Is tulaga still eating babies? he is fool, instead of eating people that are mature, people that can call business for you, it is babies of college. Its his money they only eat).

When i go to Tulaga, he say “Muratagwo niatigire kuria makoro. Ucio ona angiona cukura niakuria. Fata hakorwo hena irima” (Did your friend stop climbing garbage? That one even Chokoras he can eat. Provided there is hole).
And because i want free beer, i return

” Urauga atia we, hari ingi ndiramukorire nayo, kinya magego ndiri ni gukura (what do you say you, there is one i meet him the other day, has even no tooth because of old age). When i tell him that, he laught and get happy and ask for three Summits for Wanjohi. I cannot say anything to earn a beer from Theuri. With Theuri, even if he say you get 3, at the end of the day, he take bill and do mathematics, then say “o mundu arege magana manana” (Everybody, bring 800 bob).

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

(1841)

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